I was raised Catholic, so I believe in a higher power. At times I’ve called Him God, while other times I call Him Creator, and sometimes I just talk without addressing who I am talking to.
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I’m the type of person that needs to find out why. Why something happens, or the lesson behind it, especially when it is really tough.
You see if I can connect the dots between the pain and the lesson, I can move into acceptance, forgiveness, and empathy for others in their tough times.
It doesn’t mean I hold answers, it just gives me peace. I did not understand just how much my past was connected to the negative phrases I have whispered inside my head through the years that go unspoken. The self doubt, the hesitation, the desire to please everyone else instead of tuning in to me.
There was one particular moment that spoke to me. I was in the shower, and I started imagining my creation from the outside looking in. I couldn’t stop the waterfall of thoughts as I quickly towelled off, grabbed a notepad and a pen, and wrote the following conversation between what I feel is God , my Creator, and his Angel friend.
“Angel, my friend, It's time to make a strong girl.” This one needs a little extra mental and physical toughness. She has some tough work ahead of her and she will go through some really difficult times. I need this one to pull through each time. She will be a guardian angel for many. Don't worry I have some guardian angels tucked away for her in time she needs them. She won't be alone.”
“Pass me the bigger bones please. She’ll need to be an endomorph. And I’m going to need a larger dash of stubborn, tenacity, trust, forgiveness, and resilience.”
“Let’s make sure this one makes it to the most northern parts of Canada."
"The rest of the things she needs to build up her purpose, she will learn along the way."
"Like all of my creations, this one will use her gift of joy from day one, and immediately be walking in line with her purpose.”
“Her heart will continue to pull her to her purpose. She won’t be able to completely identify it directly , but I will make it as clear as I can.”
“The more she surrenders to her purpose, the more she will understand she’s been walking in line with it her entire life.That’s when she will understand the things she goes through have prepared her for each moment, past , present, and future.”
Angel asked, “How long do you think it will take for her to surrender to her purpose?”
Creator replied, “It will come and go, but the more she surrenders, the more lives she will touch, and the more fuel she will have to help others. When people hurt, she will know how to empathize and share, and without hesitation, or judgement, and often with people she doesn’t even know.”
“I’ve already created her helpers, and I’ve placed them in places where I know she’s going to hurt, or be stuck. They will be there at the right time.”
Time goes by, and the lessons of life pour in. The experiences that fuel the purpose begin. Each part holds a story within a story where she was right where she was supposed to be.
“The bullying??? What’s the lesson in the bullying? Why is she needing to endure so much pain that she is wanting to end her life? She is too young, she’s only 13!” The Angel gasped.
Creator replied, “Shhhh...it’s okay, she is close enough to me to know there is a reason. Let’s give her a dose of purpose. There is a CCD class of Kindergarteners at the church. The teacher needs a helper."
"This will fill her heart and soul with happy."
And it did...for a while….However, several years later, …
Angel is very concerned. “Oh my gosh! I can’t look!!!! What is wrong with her???This is so destructive...I don’t understand!!! Why is this happening???”
A calm reply from Creator , “She’s gaining empathy, she’s shedding all judgement towards others. She’s learning how to live without hope, and keep giving love to others unconditionally. She’s learning guilt, shame, heartbreak, survival, starting over from scratch, and forgiveness. She needs all of this for what I have planned for her.
“She’s living in her purpose. There are people in this path that need her right now. She will be okay. I made her strong, remember? She is in full training and holding up well. She still talks to me daily, and is giving love daily. She is not broken, she is growing.”
Years go by again and she’s blessed with motherhood,
Angel exclaims “ Wow! Look at the love she has for her son! Motherhood has brought her so much joy, and stability."
"I’m a little concerned about her health though...she’s been growing in more ways than one. What are you planning to do?”
“Well...I’m going to have to take her gallbladder.”
That’s as far as the pen and paper made it that day. In the journey of self discovery we are told that it’s the stories of our past that unlock our present. For many of us, we refuse to go there because it also can stir up a tremendous amount of pain.
I don’t believe we need to relive everything to forgive the past. I think if we take the lessons of the past and understand that they could be the reason why at times we body shame ourselves feel unworthy, unloved, or struggle with our negative thoughts.
The next step is connecting the dots. To be continued...
Thanks for reading, and if you enjoyed it, please share. The more we speak up on this topic, the more we can help others that may feel alone :) You are never alone.
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